Capable of Greatness

        I've learned through experience that I must let my children know that I discipline them because I expect them to do amazing things.  I expect great things because I believe they are capable of great things.  They need to know this.  Otherwise, correction begins to feel insulting.  It can be an opportunity for the enemy to slither in and tell them that they don't measure up.  For example:  If one of my children uses unkind words with a sibling, I might remind them of the verse: Ephesians 4:29  "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion that it may give grace to those who hear it.  (ESV)  
     I then would let the offender know that they are capable of being much kinder than their behavior displayed.  I might remind them that God created them for a GOOD purpose, and that falling short of that can mean that they are creating bad habits, and denying themself of their true purpose and even denying themselves of blessings that God desires to give.  If my expectations are presented with an assumption of failure, where am I offering motivation to "fight the good fight"?  They can begin to think, "Why fight this good fight if everyone assumes you are going to be too weak to overcome"?
     I've learned that this is the same with adults.  If I have formed a negative opinion about someone and approach them as the failure that I think they are, where would I have offered the opportunity and motivation for them to prove me wrong? When we have chosen to approach every confrontation with our children or others expecting and assuming the worst, why on earth are we surprised when we get the expected results?  I have had to apologize to my children for expecting bad behavior.  Each and every human was created to glorify God with every choice they make.  We all fail, but God's mercies are new every day, so how can I not offer the same mercy?   
     You see, when you have a labeled someone negatively, there is a fatal error in your way of thinking, God disagrees with you.  He thinks he did a pretty good job in creating them, as a matter of fact, and expects you to take part in building them up to be the best they can be!  Sometimes, that does include firm expectations and guidance.  Sometimes people need to hear things that are hard to hear for their own benefit.  In my experience, the best approach is to ask myself how these tough words can assist in building a foundation instead of tearing down?  My heart has to be checked before the confrontation, and with each word that comes out of my mouth.
     I have labeled my children in a different way since I began practicing this, to offer them encouragement when they are tempted to do wrong.  That label is "capable".  Sometimes they still do wrong and begin letting their choices erase this label and replace it with words like "liar", "hateful", and "disobedient".  My goal is to return repeatedly with a fresh new label, reminding them that they are "capable", even if I wasn't thrilled with their recent choices.  They will always remain "capable" in my eyes.

Studying

     Each week I dreaded it.  My son would return home from school with the piece of paper that caused me such frustration.  THE SPELLING WORDS!  We would begin by spelling them out loud.  He'd roll on the floor, whisper letters, grunt, moan, beat his fists against the floor, etc.  I would say in my calmest voice, "I'm trying to help you, but if this attitude continues I'm done."  We'd begin again.  Two words later, the rolling, grunting and griping would begin.  I'd say in my less-calm voice, "Okay, I'm really finished."  This would be followed with, "Okay, Mom.  I'll sit up and cooperate!"  We'd go back to practicing. 
(Note to self:  Write a post about not giving 50 warnings.  Label it as one of our errors!)
     So, now everything went smoothly and my child made a 100% on his test.  We all lived happily ever after.  We flew off into the sunset holding hands, fairies and balloons appeared, music played....I don't think so.
     Of course, the multiple warnings was a terrible idea and always, always is.  Also, my son was going to push the boundaries I had placed until I quit allowing it.  Finally, I got an idea.  I told him that he did not have to study.  I'm pretty sure he fainted at this point.  I told him that he didn't have to study at all.  I would be excited to see his 100% on his spelling test.  If it was anything lower, he would receive consequences.  He was shocked.  "One hundred percent?  Why do I have to make a one hundred percent?"  I said, "Well, you don't think you need to study.  You must be confident in your ability to get every word correct."  Then I added, "Now if you study hard and make a "C", we will celebrate your effort, but if you do not study and you make anything lower than a one hundred, you will be given consequences for not putting forth any effort." 
     I'm happy to say that this one gets filed under the "It worked for me" file!  They are home schooled now, of course, but this is still the case.  We use http://www.spellingcity.com/ to do their spelling tests.  In a world of Spell Check and Auto Correct, knowing how to spell isn't quite as vital as it used to be, but I still think it is important.  I also think it is good practice.  They can practice memorization, and learn the rewards of hard work.  Spelling tests are a simple way to become familiar with your personal learning style.
     Every time we encounter a trial, I consider what will point my children toward becoming functioning, self-sufficient, God-fearing, hard-working adults.  The expectations with the spelling tests hopefully, will teach them a few things:  Hard work pays off, try your hardest, expect great things from yourself, and challenge yourself even when you are discouraged.  As in most situations, it wasn't really about the spelling words, it was about learning to be a hard worker.  It was about holding yourself accountable.  It was about self-discipline. 
     This one worked for us!
*note to self...before publishing, remember to do a spell check
**Just so you know I'm being completely open...I had 3 spelling errors!  Maybe I should spend some time on Spelling City myself!

Back to the book...

     Our devotionals using "Making Brothers and Sisters Best Friends" continues.  We've covered why it is easier to get along with friends than family.  We've learned to have Godly responses.  We've learned to self-evaluate (that one hurt), then we got to the lesson for today.  We learned how God will not give you the "big" jobs if you haven't been successful with the small ones.  We learned that your first opportunity to serve others is right in your home. 
     I have one child who wants to be a missionary.  Another child says he wants to be a pastor.  Now, we have told them that we are so excited to hear their desire to glorify God with their lives!  Being that our oldest is eleven, we know that they have years of opportunity to see if God is leading them in that direction.  Still, what an opportunity to use these desires as an example.  I told future Pastor Ramsey that he could begin practicing the patience it takes to be a pastor by practicing patience now with his family!  I told our little missionary that his main job is to serve.  "What if, when mommy is in the middle of a diaper change and asks that you get little sister a glass of OJ, that is your opportunity to practice serving instead of saying, "I'm not her servant."?  I have assured him that he should be her servant.  If our perfect Savior can wash the nasty feet of  bunch of sandaled disciples, and He tells us to do the same, if He can leave a perfect Heaven and be a servant by dying to save a wretch like me, then yes, he should be her servant just as she should be his. 
     We want God to trust us with important jobs.  We have to prove ourselves trustworthy.  We cannot set ourselves above others and expect to be be trusted with much. 
Matthew 23:¹¹ The greatest among you will be your servant. ¹² For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.
     I began devising a plan.  My children are young.  Two of them aren't even participating (yet) in the devotionals because it would be too much to ask of preschoolers.  I don't want them to look at devotionals with dread.  Their devotionals involve Bible stories and lots of pictures!  I knew that the older children were hearing the information I was telling them about being a servant, but how do you teach application of this?  We began with their daddy.  My precious husband spoils us.  Not with gifts and material things, he spoils us with actions.  He will constantly move around doing things for the children and I.  I don't know what I would do without him!  I always have help at night after a long day teaching the children.  We decided that their daddy should come home to a clean house with a nice freshly popped bag of popcorn.  He would not need to serve the children, they would serve him. 
     They got busy tidying the house.  They even vacuumed one room without being asked!  I was in my room when he came home.  He walked into our room and said, "What have you done with our children, and who are these intruders?"  I asked him what happened.  He said, "I walked in and they said, 'Daddy, you don't have to do a thing!  We want you to sit down and relax.  We are learning to be servants.'"  I was so proud of them. 
     Tomorrow we are drawing names secretly.  We are implementing a "Secret Servant" program for the rest of this week and all of next week.  They will be assigned a sibling, and will secretly do the sibling's chores, or pour them a fresh glass of water.  This will teach them not only to be servants to one another, but also to not expect recognition.  Also, they are not allowed to clean their own room this week, but must clean a sibling's.  This allows the servant to learn serving, but also teaches the recipient to accept these gifts.  They've been warned that they cannot take this opportunity to dig through their siblings' private things or play with the toys.  They are in their only to serve. 
     We'll see how it works.  I'm praying that this falls into a successful event, and doesn't get filed into one of our "error" files.  I'm excited about the possibilities.

Sharing

     I've struggled with teaching my children to share their things with their siblings.  If I tell them they don't have to share, I'm losing to opportunity to teach them the blessings that can come from generosity.  If I make them share, I'm teaching them nothing about choices.  Making them share gives me the credit for choosing to share, not them.  I don't buy into setting a timer and taking turns.  No one tells me in the middle of playing Bejeweled that the timer has gone off and they will now be taking over the game.  I suggest they don't try!  I'm working toward being the high scorer! 
     This has worked for us: 
If one of the children have just received a gift, we allow them two to three days to have the toy strictly to themselves.

If they want a toy like Lego's (of which we have tons), to themselves because they need just the right pieces, they just have to let others know.  (for example, "Hey guys, I'm going to play Lego's by myself for a while, I'll bring them out of my room when I'm finished with them).  Otherwise, they are expected to share a toy that can accommodate several. 

If a child is playing with a toy and they walk away and obviously become interested in something else, the toy is now up for grabs. 

If a child wants to play with something that brother or sister has, they are expected to ask nicely, "Can I please play with the firetruck also?"  The child who had the toy first is welcome to say "no" as long as they say it in a kind way.  After all, in a family with five children, alone time is precious.

Finally, a child begins playing with a toy that brother or sister has had for months.  If the child did not sneak into brother or sister's room to get the toy, but it was in a community area, then the owner of the toy is expected to share.  If this causes conflict the toy owner is given the following talk, "You do not have to share your toy.  However, if your rule is that you do not have to share your toys in this home, then you have to follow your own rule first.  You need to gather your toys, and that is what you may play with.  Do not expect others to share with you.  That would not be a fair rule."

The child usually takes a moment to think this through.  Soon he or she will realize that they won't be playing brother's Batman Lego video game anytime soon.  They won't be using their cars on brother's race track, and sister's stuffed puppy dog will no longer be available when you are playing vet or dog rescue.  Now the child gets to be the hero, by choosing to share with the sibling.  It makes them feel very proud instead of bossed around and bitter.

It has worked for us!

The Book

     A friend on Facebook posted an excerpt from a devotional that caught my eye.  I asked her about the book.  She said it was called "Making Brothers and Sisters Best Friends".   

     I told the children about the devotional my friend had shared with her children.  I have searched her Facebook page for the exact quote, but cannot find it for some reason.  It was something like :  What does the way we treat each other as siblings tell others about Christ?  Wow!  I just knew that the children would stare at me wide-eyed.  Light bulbs would flash above their heads!  They would say "oooooohhhhh", and the friendships would bloom immediately.  Right?  Oh please, I knew better. 

     So, I made my way into the office, debit card in hand, prepared to log in on my favorite book purchasing website.  I shut the door to the "Well if you love yogurt so much, why don't you marry it?", and the "I WAS PETTING THE DOG FIRST!", and my favorite, "Mom, Mom, MOMMY!  Tell him to quit touching me!" 

     I ordered my "like new" copy of the book and waited for the next few days.  Three days later I heard it, the familiar sound of a light rap on the screen door, the door opening and shutting, then a truck driving off.  I sprinted to the door and ripped open the envelope containing our book.  The book that would guide us through taking scripture and applying it to our temptations to tease, mock, hit, kick, be selfish, rude, or hurtful. 

     The next day I sat the three oldest children down for a devotional to start off our school day.  I was so pleased to learn that the book is broken up into short segments written by the 3 sibling authors of the book, ages 22, 16, and 12.  I knew that a book that is humorous, but at times convicting might get a little heavy for the kids.  1/3 of a chapter a day is the perfect fit for my young children. 

     The first section pointed out that although it is common to have struggles in a family, that does not mean it is acceptable.  It then gave 6 reasons for family conflict.  One of the things that caught my eye was that we can be ungrateful, critical, and we can tease each other.  These things can make siblings' lives miserable and it doesn't even bother us.  Whoa!  When it is put that way it seems like a terrible attitude to have.  I have repeated that part of the book to the children when I see them in that mode.  I've caught myself checking the motivation behind my own words as well. 

     I don't expect our family to start skipping off into the horizon, lollipops in tow.  Nor do I anticipate my 9 year old to start addressing his brother with "Gee Wally!".  Still, I have seen some areas in my life and in theirs that could certainly use some fine tuning.  After all, we recognize children as a blessing to parents, but how much more precious would their relationships be if they started recognizing themselves as a blessing to each other?